lifes good
and the goodness is
taking its toll
i cant stop connecting everything to you
tonight was the worst
you were in eeeeeverything
...

"and kisses are a far better fate
than wisdom"


you shouldnt be included in this
read above, things are too good.
curiosity is taking its toll as well
i cant believe you said it
i cant let go...
and i feel stupid

but its still so good.
moving on~

dear freaking lord. too bad my shortshort attention span doesnt allow me to be as interested in this as in stupid stupid facebook. and i dont know why i keep doubling my words, the only person who would find that remotely interesting wont read this...

so much has changed. so much has gone from ha nothing to this! im scared to admit it, to say its good (damn, i just did didnt i) cause what if it suddenly isnt. very few things will beat yesterday. too many good moments

im glad its official. im glad i dont have to worry about being younger. im glad...i dont know im just glad. i couldnt help it, i said 'happy' 5 times yesterday. 5...that in itself scares me.

blah- happiness + worry = not cool. the happiness seems to be taking the lead however.

ugh this break seems like a waste
i wouldve rathered just, continued on
worked through everything
so i can be done faster

im missing something
big, im pretty sure
i hate having to wait
or to look
or even to miss it period.
seems like such a waste
and i cant focus on anything else
but what if there isnt anything
what if its a waste>

mm its so easy to feel sad
when everyones happy, for no reason.
i dont get it
everyone says 'theres something about christmas'
its all made up;
one person does it cuz another one does
but no one ever starts it
so why cnat it just be like this all the time
why do people need a bullshit holiday
ugh.

i knew there was something different
yet somethings the same.
i smudged the good to cover the bad things.
i might have even extended it in my head.

its not commitment im afriad of.
its expectations.

i hate that im too distracted
to keep this up
the journal i mean
but it is the story of my life
i get really into something
then totally move on
and wonder why it never moved on with me
and want it to come back, exactly to where we were.

whats so wrong with that?

hmm
not going so well
admiting we see things differently?
shouldnt be such a big deal
why is that hard to see
take what you can
or admit youve given up...
but whinning about one
without doing the other
is driving me nuts

so yeah.
slept over?
talked for
2 hrs?
stayed in your room
few awkward moments,
but mostly us trying to be friends
and i think its working.
sorta.
its like you feel guilty
somehow i dont feel nervous
its like i have the upperhand now
if only i had been able to forsee this
use it to justify the shit you guys did
mmm w.e

extensions eh.
hope they fit into your new life




YAY PHOTOSHOP
<333aya
i can dooo it
...
i just need a perfect layout now.
dammit

ahhh i shouldnt want to see you
should i?
but it seems that i do.
not too sure what to think bout that

should i reapply?
i want to, but im so nervous to even visit
why i dont know
but im nervous...which is why i didnt
see you tonight i mean.
hmmmm

i should have more work
i should be doing more
to get out of here quicker...

ugh why am i too scared to go.

i really shouldntve been that excited to talk to you
stay up like an extra hour
or something ridiculous like that
dammmit....
i hope its good cake

and wow
fake relationship eh
i realize im egging you on a bit
but you keep denying it
so am i really at fault?
age difference eh
thats all it is...
why do i care though

why does it seem so pointless right now

one day of moneys done
im justifying it in my head
you know not going out
cuz this money will help me get out
right?

i dont know whats happening with us
its getting harder
for some reason
novelty has worn off?
i dont know, maybe.
hopefully itll change

talking again, last night
about what happened before
seemed weird, i dont know.
when it happened it was ok
but i knew it wouldnt go any further
and now its like im waiting for it
to get back to that level again
you have others to choose from
and you cant choose me again
i guess i just like knowing
that i could be up there
but why from you?

well that bit you in the ass didnt it
and you totally deserved it
acted stupid from the begining
saying yes when you relaly didnt want to
making up bullshit reasons
then looking stupid
youre lucky you saty in all the time
FUCK it would be soo easy to get you back
for all that shit you did to me
right about now. youre asking for it.
THEN you go n sleep with him!
to prove what? someone wants you!?
well he did it to get back at his ex
thats not wanting you,
thats wanting ANYONE. and you were
stupid enough to do it.
dear lord,
it would be too easy to spread this around.

baaah
my body
i took a ballet class
and it felt horrible.
everyones so much better
i looked so awkard
shaped so differently
and my muscles totally gave out on my
but hurt like a bitch right now.

im overtired, without having to do too much.
and im kinda lost bout everything.
like how are we doing
why was sunday so awkward


thank god im making money this weekend
im too tired to be sociable